Baby #7

***We told the kids for Savannah's birthday, so now our secret is out.  I started this journal 6 weeks ago.  It's been quite the journey so far, here's the story.***

Monday, August  27
For the first week I knew I was pregnant, I was terrified. All I could think about was what people would say when we told them we were having another baby. I really didn't know how many people would be happy for us. I worried about about how long I'd be able to keep it a secret before I was forced to tell people. I didn't even tell Scott for 4 days. I wasn't sure how I felt about it, so I didn't know what he would think.

When I finally told Scott, he dispelled a lot of my worries. He assured me that this was our family, and it didn't matter what anyone else thought. The decision to have another baby was not one we took lightly. We spent a long time (over a year) talking about how it would impact our family. When we had Owen, we thought we were done. Six kids seemed like a good number. But as time went on, I felt more and more unsettled about it. I felt someone was still missing. It took a long time for Scott to come to that conclusion, but he finally did. We decided that our family would be blessed with our decision to have another baby.

And then all of a sudden I was pregnant, and both Scott and I were reeling a bit by how fast it happened. And for a week I was terrified. And then after a week, all of a sudden the excitement hit me. I quit worrying about how to tell everyone else, and I started thinking about this little baby that was going to be joining our family. I thought about how excited the kids would be. I thought of the fun the girls would have dressing and taking care of a tiny baby.  I thought of the joy this baby would bring to our home.  I was really, really excited about getting to have one more baby.

 A week after I had told Scott (yesterday), he and I went for a walk together. I asked him how he was feeling, now that he'd had a week to let it set in. He said he was at peace with it. I told him how my worrying had turned to excitement this past week. And then I told him how I now worried about the baby being ok. I've had three miscarriages, and two of them were right around the 5th week.  With that kind of past experience, you can't help but worry.  I told him that when I hit 9 weeks, I'd finally be able to breath a sigh of relief.

And then we headed home and got ready for church. Just as it was time to leave, I started to cramp. I knew instantly that something was wrong. I went in and sat down on the couch, hoping it would pass. Scott came in and saw me and sat down next to me. I told him something was wrong, and that I was scared. I got up and went into the bathroom, expecting to see blood, but there wasn't any. I made my way to the bed to lay down, and the pain became so intense, I felt like I might pass out. I laid down on the bed, and just stared up at the ceiling, trying to prepare myself for what was happening.

Savannah kept coming in and asking when we were going to leave for church (by then it was half an hour into Sacrament Meeting). Scott explained that I wasn't feeling well, and that we'd go in a little bit. The cramping lasted for 45 minutes. I needed to go play the piano for Primary, so as the time for that neared, I told Scott I felt well enough to go to church and asked him to gather the kids to go. I headed to the bathroom one more time. That time there was blood--bright red blood.

I went into my closet so the kids wouldn't see me upset, and I started to cry. Scott walked in and saw me, and he instantly knew. He took me in his arms and let me cry, and repeated over and over, "I'm so sorry". I asked him to go to church and find someone to play the piano for me in Primary. He hated to leave me alone, but I told him I'd be ok.

He left, and I collapsed in the big chair in my room and just sobbed for a while. Then I laid down in my bed and fell asleep. I woke up to kids' voices coming home from church. I got up to use the bathroom again, and discovered the bleeding had stopped. I didn't dare hope that things would be alright, but still I hoped that somehow they would.  Before I went to sleep, I had Scott give me a blessing.  He promised me that I would carry a baby to full term (he didn't say "this" baby), and that my vision of our complete family would be realized.  I went to sleep, feeling like things would be okay either way.

I got up early this morning and called my doctor's office as soon as they opened. They got me in for an ultrasound at 11:15. Scott came home and stayed with the kids while I went. The ultrasound didn't show much, because there isn't much yet to see, because it's so early in my pregnancy. But it did show the yolk sack still there. But behind that my doctor could see a large hemorrhage. He said sometimes when the egg implants, it hits a blood vessel and causes bleeding. He told me to take it very easy this week--no working out, lots of rest. He said that because the hemorrhage was still there, I would have more bleeding, and I had a 50/50 chance of keeping this baby. He said, other than taking it easy, there was nothing that I could do, and we'd just have to wait and see what happens.  He told me to come back in a week for another ultrasound. He said by then, if the baby is still there, it would have a heartbeat to see, and if I could make it that far, then my chances of keeping this baby would go way up.

And so I came home and went about my day, and tried not to worry.  I told Scott tonight, that I felt like I should be stressed and worried, but instead I feel really calm and at peace.  I really feel like everything will be alright, either way.  Scott worded it this way, "I think you dealt with the loss yesterday.  Today you got a second chance."

Friday, August 31
Tomorrow I will be six weeks.  I have made it this whole week without any bleeding.  Every day that passes, I breath a huge sigh of relief because I've made it one more day.  I feel safer and more optimistic every day, but I also know that every day I get more attached to this little baby, so if things do go wrong it's going to be really hard on me.   As each day passes, I grow more confident in thinking that things are going to turn out okay, but then I remember that I have a 50/50 chance here, which means that I have just as much of a chance of things going wrong as I do of them going right.  Still, I remain hopeful.

Yesterday I called and told my friend Lisa.  I needed to find someone to watch Owen when I go in for my ultrasound next week to check for a heart beat.  Lisa and I have the same doctor, and we both have had miscarriages, so I knew I could talk to her and have her understand.  When I told her about Sunday, she told me that I should have sent Scott to church and had him find her to come home and cry with me.  She said she would be happy to watch Owen, and told me to call her with anything else I needed.  And then today at noon, there was a knock on my door.  It was Lisa with her son Parker (who is Nate's age).  Lisa said, "I'm here to clean".  I really love her.  Parker came in and played with Nate, and I watched Lisa as she vacuumed my floor for me.  She said her family was headed out of town for Labor Day weekend, but she would be back on Tuesday to check on me.  And she gave me strict orders to take it easy in the meantime.  I really, really love her.

Saturday, September 8
Well, I've made it to 7 weeks.  I went in for another ultrasound on Thursday.  I held my breath as my doctor looked for a heartbeat.  And then there it was, fluttering on the screen.  The baby has grown the right amount and it has a good strong heartbeat.  But, the hemorrhage has also grown (and the pregnancy is blocking it from coming out).  My doctor said it's still a 50/50 chance and ordered me to take it easy for another week.  He wants me to come back in a week for another ultrasound.

This waiting is so hard.  Seeing that heartbeat, I instantly fell in love with this little baby.  My doctor gave me a due date--April 27th.  This baby is starting to seem so real to me, and yet so fleeting.  With my other miscarriages, they were sudden and unexpected and tragic.  With this one, I feel like I'm just waiting for it to happen, expecting it to happen at any moment, and it feels like torture.  The more I want to love this baby and look forward to it's birth, the more I'm terrified that I'm going to lose it.

You often hear a justification for miscarriage, that there was probably something wrong with the baby.  But I know that's not the case with this one.  I know there is a healthy little baby inside me, with a beating heart that I have seen and heard.  And because of bad luck, my body could at any moment end that baby's life.  It's a horrible thing to have to think about every minute of the day.

For the most part, I'm holding myself together.  I don't want the kids to know that anything is going on, so life is going on as normal.  I'm trying to take good care of myself.  In the afternoon when Owen naps, so do I.  I've turned mowing the lawn over to Scott.  I've decided it's ok if my house isn't spotless during these weeks.  I'm trying to follow my doctor's orders to "take it easy".  I find that when I'm by myself, whether it's driving in the car, or standing at the sink doing dishes, I feel the pressure mounting and have to fight back the tears.  I'm really hoping for a happy outcome.

Thursday, September 20
It's been over a week since my last ultrasound.  I had gone alone to my first two ultrasounds.  For this third one, I took Scott along.  And we got good news.

I'd had bleeding the night before the appointment, so I was pretty anxious to get in for the ultrasound.  As my doctor came in, he said, "Will you stop this?  You are really worrying me."  I told him I was worrying myself.  I told him I'd had bleeding the night before, and he instantly looked worried and asked about the color.  You can tell if it's old or new blood by the color.  It had been old blood.

My doctor started the ultrasound, and all three of us (me, Scott, and my doctor) held our breath as he looked around for a heartbeat.  And then we saw it.  The little fluttering on the screen.  It was such a wonderful sight.  He measured the hemorrhage,  and said it was smaller, and was down by my cervix now where it would be able to come out.  He dropped my chance of miscarriage from 50% down to 25%.  He told me that my taking it easy was working, and to keep it up for another couple of weeks.  And after having ultrasounds every week for three weeks, he told me I didn't need to come back for another ultrasound for 2 weeks.

So next week we get to go see this little baby again.  I'll be 9 1/2 weeks then.  My doctor usually has his patients come in for their first appointment around 10 weeks.  By the time I hit 10 weeks, I'll have had 4 ultrasounds and be into this baby a thousand dollars already.  But, I finally feel like I can relax and feel like things are going to turn out just fine.

Tuesday, September 25
I went in for another ultrasound today.  My doctor wasn't in, so I had to see just one of their ultrasound techs.  Since she didn't know my history, she couldn't tell me too much.  She did say that my file described it as a "very large bleed", and while there was still some visible on the ultrasound, she said she wouldn't describe it as a large bleed anymore.  She also said she didn't think my doctor would lift the activity restrictions yet.  My doctor won't be in till this Monday, and then he'll review the ultrasound and I'll know more.

This was the first time it really looked like a baby.  Head, arms, hands, legs, all very visible.  It was the first time it really seemed real to me.  I've viewed this pregnancy up until now as a worry, a chance of miscarriage, a high-risk pregnancy.  But seeing that baby, I saw this pregnancy as a baby.  And that was really nice.

I've been feeling frustrated lately.  I'm thrilled to be pregnant, but not so thrilled with the effects it's having on my body.  I haven't been allowed to exercise for a month.  I can't even do my regular activities that I don't even consider exercise (like mowing the lawn).  And not exercising for a month has taken it's toll on my body.  I'm gaining weight, and that is a hard thing for me.  It's a really hard thing for me, and I can't do anything about it until my doctor gives me permission to start exercising again.  But, as I studied the picture of our baby, I decided that weight gain was a pretty small price to pay to save someone's life.  I gained this weight because I was saving this baby's life.  I think I can put up with a few extra pounds if it means I get to keep this baby.

Friday, September 28
I'll be 10 weeks tomorrow.  I'm pretty shocked I've made it this far, but am starting to feel pretty confident that everything is going to be ok. 

Scott comes home today, but only for about 10 hours.  He's been in Sun Valley since Wednesday.  I was supposed to go with him.  We were really looking forward to a few quiet days together.  This whole pregnancy has been a huge stress for both of us.  I was looking forward to some good rest time, too.  My parents were going to come stay with the kids so we could go.  But my Mom called last week to say that she really wasn't feeling up to coming.  So, Scott went to Sun Valley, and I got to stay home and take care of the kids.

Scott gets home this evening, then leaves at 4 in the morning for a "once in a lifetime golf event" in Florida (his words).  He'll be in Florida Saturday-Monday.  Then we get him home for one day, Tuesday.  That's Savannah's birthday, so it's a good day to have him home.  Then he leaves Wednesday morning for 9 days in Alaska.  Then we get him home for 3 days (during which we will have Sara's baptism) and then he spends 5 more days in Alaska.

I was really hoping I would be cleared of activity restrictions before Scott left for all this traveling.  I need to be able to push myself to take care of the kids, without worrying about risking this pregnancy.  But, since I'm not yet, Scott hired a young man from the ward to mow the lawn for the next three weeks.  And, my friend Lisa (who is in the RS presidency) is arranging to have meals brought in twice a week (on my two busiest days of the week).  We are going to tell the kids on Tuesday for Savannah's birthday.  So for now, Lisa asked my visiting teachers to bring in a meal last night and this Monday.  I told her I was ok with them knowing, and then after we tell the kids, Lisa will tell the compassionate service leader and get meals for the next two weeks set up.  I appreciate wonderful women who pull together to help each other out in times of need.  Relief Society is such a wonderful support system.

Tuesday, October 2
Today is the day that we are going to tell the kids.  I'm excited and scared at the same time.  I don't think I can hide it much longer, so it will be a relief to not have to keep it a secret any longer.  But, once the kids know, everyone will start to hear, and I'm nervous about the reactions we'll get.

Yesterday I heard back from my doctor's office about the ultrasound I had last week.  Another doctor in the clinic read the ultrasound and had his nurse call.  She said there was still fluid visible on the ultrasound, but that it appeared stable.  She said to continue with taking it easy, and to come in next week for another ultrasound.  I didn't figure they would lift my activity restrictions, but still I was really hoping that they would.  I'm getting really tired of "taking it easy".  But, I feel safe enough about this pregnancy to go ahead and tell the kids now.  I've tried so hard to keep it all a secret, because I didn't want to take a chance of the kids finding out before now.  I didn't want them to get excited and then go through the pain of losing the baby, if that happened.   But, while we're not out of the woods yet, I feel like things are going to be ok.

After I post this to the blog, I'll just start doing regular posts as part of our everyday stuff.  I've kept this little side journal just for myself until I was ready to share it with everyone else.  I wanted to have a record of this baby's early life, so if it did survive, it would know someday how hard we fought to save it.  I think of this little baby as a miracle.  I should have lost it that day 5 1/2 weeks ago.  But, I'm convinced that it is meant to be in our family, so it held on.  And it's continued to hold on through all these weeks of uncertainty.  It is our miracle baby.