Battle of the Bulge

Battle? War, really. And I'm losing miserably. I'm obsessed with losing weight, and I'll be the first to admit that it's very unhealthy. But I can't help it. That's the thing with obsessions, they are almost always compulsive. I know that I'm supposed to "love the skin I'm in" and that "it's what's on the inside that really counts", but seriously, who really believes that. I bet if you asked 100 women if they thought they'd look better if they shed a few pounds, 99 of them would answer "yes". I mean, think about it--when someone goes on a diet and loses weight, all her friends gush to her, "You look great!" or "All your hard work is paying off, you look amazing!". When was the last time you heard someone say, "You've put on a few pounds--way to go!" or "Look how much more prominent you fat rolls are--you look great!".

And I know I just had a baby. And yes, I've lost all the weight I gained in this last pregnancy, but it's not enough for me. I wish it was, but it's not. My friend had a baby 2 months ago, and has only lost 4 of the 50 pounds that she gained in her pregnancy. And you know what--no one cares! Because she just had a baby and no one expects her to be skinny right away. So why do I expect that of myself? Once again--obsession.

I have given birth to 6 children in 9 years, had 3 miscarriages accompanied with short bouts of depression and hormone swings, developed Thyroid problems, and was born with lousy genetics (the Sorensens are not small people). I mean, who can beat all that? I should be perfectly happy in my size 12 jeans. But I want to be a size 10. And when I'm a size 10, I'll want to be a size 8 (which I haven't been since Jr. High). Why?

The biggest frustration is that I lost so much weight after Owen was born, and then I just stopped losing. I gained 21 pounds in my pregnancy and had lost 32 pounds by my 6 week check-up. Great, right? And I wasn't even trying that hard. I mean, I'm always really careful of what I eat, but I wasn't even exercising yet. And now, 3 months later, I'm up 5 pounds and can't figure out why, because I'm doing everything I can to lose weight. I think it's my Thyroid. I went in to my Endocrinologist in February, and she adjusted my medicine back down to pre-pregnancy dosing. And now I can't eat anything without gaining weight. I have to cut my daily calories down to just 1000 in order to lose weight. If I eat anything more, I gain. It's so frustrating! I do really well on my 1000 calorie diet for a few days, then the hunger gets to me and I have to eat, and I immediately gain back anything I've lost plus more. And it's not like I'm eating unhealthy, either. I can't have dairy, which means I'm not eating pizza, ice cream, chocolate, cheese, etc. I'm eating extremely healthy, but if I'm not starving myself, I just gain weight. And through all of this, I'm trying to nurse Owen, so I know that I really shouldn't be restricting calories, but...I'm obsessed.

So, even though I'm exhausted all the time from trying to keep up with the laundry, the house work, and the kids, I've started running again. My day starts at 7 usually (with feeding Owen, then getting kids off to school), and I'm too tired to get up at 6am to go running. So I have been going for a run either while Scott is home for lunch, or as soon as he gets home in the evening. And starting next week, I'm going to have a girl in our neighborhood (who is off track from college for the next few weeks) come over 10-11 M/W/F so I can go out running. I'm hoping it will help. Even if I don't lose weight, I'll hopefully feel better knowing that I'm doing everything I can. And hopefully when I go in for my next Thyroid check, I can convince my doctor to increase my medication again. And HOPEFULLY I can learn to just be happy with the way that I am.