Pictures

Last night, I sat on the edge of Nate's bed and read him and Aaron a bedtime story.  As I walked out of their room, I noticed the screen saver on the computer scrolling through pictures, and I sat down to watch.

I watched for 20 minutes as the images of my life flashed on the screen before me.  Pictures of babies being born, grandparents who are gone, family vacations, holidays, birthdays, family pictures, first days of school, lost teeth, baptisms, blessings, so many memories in the pictures.

As I watched, I found myself wishing I could rewind all those years and live them again.  They have truly been wonderful.  I wish I could go back to when my family was small, and I would focus more on the joy instead of the work.  It seems like yesterday that we were just starting out with one or two kids.

I watched pictures of squishy little babies, and my heart ached.  That stage of life is passing, and I wish more than anything that I could just have babies forever.

I watched the pictures.  They are the highlights, condensing the last 13 years down into a matter of minutes.  It went by that fast.  All those years.  They flew by.  I watched and realized that there are so many things that I thought mattered, that really didn't.  The things that mattered were those little faces, staring at me through the screen. 

I realized that Sara had bangs till she was 3 or 4, and she looked adorable, so I shouldn't worry about trying to grow Kate's out already.

I remembered what an adorable little boy Josh was.  And remembered that he had a sweetness that matched his cuteness.

I remembered how hard Aaron was when he was younger, and realized that we have made so much progress over the last three years with therapy and understanding his diagnosis.  Those years were so very hard, and I wish I could have seen that things would turn out ok, for both Aaron and for me.

I remembered that once upon a time, Savannah was little and carefree.

I looked at pictures of me through the years.  Most of my life I have not felt pretty and wished I could be different.  I looked at pictures of me and realized that my favorite pictures of me were the ones where I was surrounded by my kids.  My kids make me happy, and that makes motherhood beautiful. 

  
I remembered how this little boy could take my breath away with his sweet little grin.

I remembered that Nate was just a little thing when I sent him off to his first year of preschool.  I'm glad I'm waiting with Owen, and have him home with me still.

I remembered how up until this moment, we thought these 6 kids were all we needed. 

And I felt such overwhelming joy that we decided we needed to bring our little Kate into this world.

And I was reminded how lucky I have been to have this man by my side through it all.