I had to stop at a high school friend's house to pick up the invitations for our 20 year high school reunion (I'm on the planning committee). I left the kids in the car while I went up to her door. I talked to her for a few minutes, then went back to the car to find Aaron curled up in his seat in the fetal position, hysterically sobbing. I asked the kids what had happened, and they all were yelling their side of the story so loud, I couldn't understand any of them. From what I could tell, though, the kids were singing along to "Let It Go" from Frozen (playing on the DVD player in the car), and Aaron didn't want them singing.
We continued on to the park, and everyone got out to play. Josh instantly started complaining because the park didn't have a pond for him and Carter to play in. And Savannah was grouchy because she doesn't like parks anymore. I pulled out my phone to check messages, and discovered a video that Savannah had taken on my phone. It was what had played out during the few minutes I'd been at my friend's door. "Let It Go" came on the movie, and they all started singing along. But instead of trying to sing nicely, they were all screeching at the top of their lungs. Josh and Carter climbed into the trunk of the suburban and were dancing around and screaming the song, and Savannah was singing equally horribly into the phone. Aaron tried asking them to stop--chaos like that sends him over the edge. They all thought it was funny, and continued. Aaron became hysterical, begging them to stop, but they continued. Savannah even focused the video on Aaron because they thought it was funny that he was so upset. I watched that video and was just fuming. It was cruel and deliberate, and it came from his own siblings.
I found both Savannah and Josh and told them I had a video showing what they had done to Aaron, and sternly let them know that doing that was not acceptable. And that set the tone for the rest of my day. The day that I had started, with the intent of doing everything I could to make their last day great, turned to me just being angry at them. I was angry that they didn't appreciate the fact that I'd taken them to the park, and angry they had treated Aaron as cruelly as they had.
I took some pictures of the kids playing. Pictures always paint a blissfully happy scene, they don't ever reflect the real feeling associated with the day. I've noticed that with Facebook lately. Everyone has a perfect life, as portrayed in pictures. Everyone has perfect kids, as portrayed in pictures. Even me looking back at these pictures, I see happy carefree kids playing, and I don't see how upset I was with them that morning. Maybe that's a good thing. And maybe I'm only telling about my feelings that day, so I'll remember that nobody has a perfect life, no matter how good a photographer they are.
When I downloaded the pictures off my camera, the color was all distorted. Lips were turned green, skin was orange, and hair was grey. It was horrible. When Carter and Josh had crawled in the trunk to sing, they stepped on my camera and turned the dial to "special effects", and I didn't realize it while I was taking pictures. So all my pictures were ruined, or so I thought, which only added to my frustration from that day. But, I was able to turn them all black and white, and it fixed all the mixed up color. I'm usually not a black and white fan, but looking through these pictures, the black and white seem to fit the mood of that day.
I did manage to snap just a few pictures with my cell phone, so I ended up with a few colored pictures.
We spent a few hours playing at the park, then I loaded them up and took them to lunch at McDonalds and let them play in the play place. Savannah was upset we were going to McDonalds because "there's nothing there that she can eat". She doesn't like their food, because one time a friend told her they use chicken guts, which is totally not true, but it ruined McDonalds for her forever after. I tried to tell her she'd like their berry smoothies, but she wanted to play the martyr and just starve. I ordered three large fries and 60 chicken nuggets, and spread them all out along a table for the kids to eat. They played and had fun for almost an hour. Kendi was on her way back into town with her girls, on their way home from Utah, so she stopped to eat with us. When it came time to go, no one was listening to me and about coming down out of the play place. So Carter told Aaron and Nate that if they'd come down out of the play place, I'd get them ice cream. When they came down and discovered there wasn't ice cream waiting for them, they were mad. So I offered to go get them ice cream, and asked what they wanted. But they were already off up playing again.
I went out and ordered 5 hot fudge sundaes and brought them back into the kids playing. Josh and Aaron freaked out because they didn't want hot fudge sundaes. They wanted ice cream cones. My frustration boiled over. They couldn't just say thank you for getting them a treat, they had to throw a fit because it wasn't the "right treat". When Josh gets mad, he just fumes silently. Aaron is more vocal about it. Kendi, feeling sorry for me, offered to get Aaron a cone, because she was going to get her kids one on her way out. She asked if that would be ok, and I said yes. So Aaron got a cone. But then Josh was even more angry, because Aaron got a cone and he didn't. I asked the kids to help me gather up the left overs to leave. Sara took Kate, and Josh and Savannah angrily went out to the car, leaving Nate and Owen to help me clean up (Aaron had a dripping ice cream cone he was trying to eat). By the time I got out to the car, they were all screaming at each other because Josh had been pushing the girls clear across the parking lot.
I was so mad at all of them. I had tried to do something nice for them, but they were all so self absorbed, they didn't care about anyone's needs but themselves. I drove home. I put Kate down for a nap. Then I went out on the back patio to cry. Scott had gone golfing that morning, and came home when he was done, around 1:30 to shower before going to his office. He came out and I told him about my frustrating morning. He went back in to the kids and sternly told them that they had a lot of making up to do. He put them all to work cleaning the house. I had to take Josh to 6th grade orientation, so I left the rest home, with Scott ordering them around cleaning.
Joshua's 6th grade orientation was scheduled to go from 2:30-4:00. Sara, Aaron, and Nate all had "meet the teacher" from 3:00-4:30. I was stressed about how I would be able to do it all. I spent an hour with Josh, then left him with Carter and his dad (so he could get more locker practice in) at the middle school, and I rushed home to get my elementary kids. (In the meantime, Scott had showered and gone in to work, so it was up to me to do all the school/parent stuff.) I rushed to the school with my three middle kids, and made my way to three different classrooms and met all three teachers. I ended at 4:20, with 10 minute to spare.
Some days I really love being a mom, and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. And then other days, like this one, I feel like I just want to run away. Thankfully, those days are few and far between, but I do have them. Being a mom is hard. It's the hardest thing I'll ever do. I'm sure people look at me with all my kids, and think I have it all figured out.
But I don't.
I get mad at my kids. I yell at them. I wonder where I went wrong in teaching them to be good little humans. I get frustrated with myself for failing them as a mom. And then I go to bed at the end of the day, and pray that the next day will be better.
And usually it is.
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