I have a sister who is anti blogs and won't read a single one (not even mine). She says that they portray an unrealistic idealistic life. She says everyone writes about the good, and tries to make themselves look perfect, leaving their readers feeling like they can't live up.
I try to focus on the positive here. I am so completely blessed, and I know that I am completely blessed and don't want to complain or seem ungrateful. But every now and then I like to provide a humble and honest glimpse into my reality and share the not so pretty side of my life. I hope that by sharing my failings, that one day my daughters will read this, and while in the midst of struggling to raise their young families, they will realize that they aren't alone in feeling the way that they do. And so for any of you out there who might think that I am perfect, here is proof that I am not.
I have never felt so completely and utterly broken as I do now. Broken physically. Broken emotionally. When I talk with people, 99.9% of the time, when my 7 kids come up in the conversation, I hear, "I don't know how you do it". To be perfectly honest, I don't know how I do it. Which in short means that I feel I am always on the edge of failing. Failing to keep my house clean. Failing to spend enough quality time with each child. Failing to lose the baby weight and feel beautiful. Failing to give my husband the time he deserves. Just failing.
Don't get me wrong, I adore each of my kids and I wouldn't trade them for the world, but it is so completely exhausting trying to keep up with all their demands. And I am so lucky to have a husband who helps out so much when he is home, but the rest of the time I'm on my own. I wish more than anything that I lived near my family. What I wouldn't give to be able to hang out with my sisters for an afternoon and laugh and be uplifted while our kids play together. Or to have my Mom just show up and tell me she wants to spend time with her grandkids while I take a nap. My entire family lives within an hour of each other, and then there's just me over here by myself. How I wish I had my family as a support system here.
This last pregnancy was a difficult one. It left me with a lot of weight to lose and a long way to go to be back in shape. I've gone out running a few times, but it seems impossible to find the time to get away and run. Every second of my day is occupied by taking care of my kids and house. Every ounce of energy is spent taking care of my kids and house. There's nothing left over just for me. I feel the urgency to get back in shape, but feel the frustration of thinking that it's an impossible feat.
I have struggled with postpartum depression twice before, and I can feel the downward spiral this time too. Every night I go to bed and I tell myself that tomorrow things will be better, that tomorrow I will be better. But I'm not. Every morning I wake up telling myself that today I will be strong and pull myself back together. And each night I go to bed feeling defeated. Some days I tell myself that it's ok, that I don't have to be perfect. And then on other days I drive myself as hard as I can trying to reach perfection because not reaching it just isn't acceptable. But at the end of every day the fact remains that I will never be perfect, and don't even feel like I'm mediocre.
When people tell me, "I don't know how you do it", I usually laugh and say that I don't do it very well. They usually respond saying, "But you always have a smile on your face". It's true. I smile because there's nothing to do but smile. I smile because I think that if I can keep a smile on my face, no one will see the hurt that I'm feeling inside. I smile because maybe I can convince everyone that I really do have it all together. I smile because if I can keep smiling, then I think I just might be able to survive this. I just smile.
And so you see that I'm not perfect. I feel guilty for giving voice to my feelings. I feel like by feeling this way, I'm being ungrateful for what I have. But I think my sister is right in thinking that too many of us put up a perfect front for everyone to see. I know that I am not the first tired mother to feel this way. And I hope that someday my daughters will be able to find solace in the fact that their mom felt this way and still managed to make it through.
Sunday, August 04, 2013
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1 comment:
ditto! And this is one of the reasons I stopped blogging. I felt the "need" to be perfect on there. And I am NOT even close to perfect. I didn't need the judgments that came from others reading my blog and if I dared to tell how I really felt then I knew the judgments would be more severe than I could possibly handle. So I stopped. And now I just write each day in my journal book and print it out at the end of the year. I figure my family is really the only ones who need to read it in the end. But I am thankful you still blog. I enjoy reading it and learning from you! And I HATE it when people say the "I don't know how you do it" saying. I get it all the time and yep, I just smile and think inside my head....I'm not! You have NO CLUE how hard it is sometimes and how often I just want to run away from it all. But then I stop and think and realize how very blessed I am. I know it will only be a few short years before they start leaving and then I will miss it {well, I am told I will miss it...I often wonder tho....} I love you Karen and thank you so much for your honesty!!!!
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