4 Weeks

Kate will be 4 weeks old tomorrow. She is growing so fast. This week she started smiling. I was able to catch a few smiles earlier this week.

And then minutes later she was asleep in my arms (which is the only place she will sleep).

And then again tonight while Scott was holding her, she decided to do some more smiles. I had so much fun capturing all of her cute expressions.

This week feeding issues have overwhelmed me.  My body just does not produce enough milk, and I'm having to supplement with even more bottles of formula.  I spend all day sitting on the couch nursing Kate, trying to keep the "demand" up so my body will make more milk.  But there is so much I have to get done around here--laundry for a family of 9, cleaning, taking care of the little boys, running school kids to all their after school activities, etc.  I can't spend all day on the couch feeding Kate and still find time to do all of those things.  And, because she's only half-way full after eating from me, she's fussy and needs held all the time, which makes it difficult to get anything done.  It's only when I break down and give her a bottle, that she's content and will sleep in her swing or bouncy seat. 

I always struggle with post-partum depression after having a baby.  After Sara and Owen it was so bad that I had to go on medication.  After dealing with it after Sara was born, I've been good at trying to recognize and deal with it before it gets to the level it did with Sara.  This week I've felt like I'm dipping dangerously close to falling prey to it.  I'm so exhausted and feel like such a failure because I just can't do it all.  I can't feed my baby enough.  I can't keep up on the laundry.  My house is a disaster.  My husband is busy with work, so it feels like he's never around.  And when he is home, he's so busy picking up the responsibilities that I'm neglecting, that there is no time to just sit and be together and talk.  I still have half my pregnancy weight to lose, but have no time to exercise.  I just feel like I'm failing in everything. 

And then I look at my sweet little Kate, and I know it's all worth it to be able to have her.  I know she's worth it, and I know this crazy newborn stage will end soon if I can just be patient with myself, and yet that critical voice inside my head still tells me I'm failing.  I find myself wondering if I should just give up nursing altogether.  If she were totally bottle fed, it would free me up to do so much more (it takes an hour to nurse her and she's still hungry at the end, versus 10 minutes to do a bottle that keeps her full for 3 hours).  And she would be a happier baby if she weren't hungry most of the time.  And because she'd be full and happy, I'd be able to get so much more done around the house.  It just would make life so much easier.  But then I don't know if I'd ever get over the guilt of quitting breastfeeding when she was only a month old.  It's just so hard to see clearly when you are in the middle of a torrential storm. 

I don't want to end on such a depressing note, so instead I'll end with this picture of Kate.  This week of increased formula bottles has been good for her.  She has developed cute little plump cheeks, and she no longer fits in her newborn size onesies (she's in 0-3 month size now).  According to our scale, she's up to 8 1/2 pounds. 

And lastly, as I looked through the pictures that I took of her tonight, I was stunned at how much she reminds me of Josh as a baby.  When she was first born, I thought she looked like Sara.  Then there were days I thought she looked like Nate.  Tonight she's all Josh. 

Josh

Kate