I have a feeling that my days of nursing Owen are coming to an end. So I just want it to go on record how hard I've tried to make this work. My first problem is that I just don't make enough milk to keep a baby growing and thriving. I always try in the beginning, then the doctor pronounces the baby as having failure to thrive, and orders me to start supplementing. Every time! I'm so envious of those women who have plenty of milk and have fat little babies on breastmilk only. But not me, I have to supplement. Bottles of formula with occasional nursing. And of course the bottle is faster and easier, so it's so tempting to just pull out a bottle when he's hungry. But instead I sit and nurse Owen for a good 45 minutes, and then have to do a bottle because he's still hungry (which takes all of about 5 minutes).
And then there's the whole milk intolerance. For three months now I have had no dairy. Nothing. No ice cream, no chocolate, no cheese, no anything with dairy in it. Every Monday night we have family pizza night (Papa Murphy's has a Monday night special of a large pepperoni pizza for $4.99). And every Monday I try to appease my insane cravings with a nice bowl of oatmeal (made with soy milk). I'd give anything for a nice cold glass of milk.
And then there is the Thrush. It's been two weeks now, and we are still battling it. The whole nursing strike for the first three days of Thrush really put a dent in my meager milk supply. And for these two weeks, it's been a real fight getting him to nurse. I try to feed him, he screams and refuses to latch on. I try harder, he screams louder. Then I finally break down and fix a bottle. Then when he's nice and full and happy, I get him to very lazily eat a little from me. My parents were here this last weekend and got to witness the fight to get Owen to nurse. I can't tell you how many times my mom said, "If you have to give up nursing, it will be ok--you've done everything you can".
And then there is more Thrush. Thrush is an overgrowth of yeast in a baby's mouth. And yeast likes to reside in warm moist places. So, when a baby with Thrush nurses, he passes it on to mom, giving her a very sore chest. The other night, after a midnight feeding, Owen spit up very brown milk (which is digested blood). I immediately panicked and my mind started racing through everything I'd eaten the last few days. I've had traumatic experiences with bloody spit-up (internal bleeding from milk). I knew I hadn't eaten any dairy. And then after I was thoroughly panicked, I realized it was my blood. I am completely raw and cracked and bleeding. Nursing him hurts so much. Every time I fight to get him to nurse, and sit there feeding him in pain, I ask myself why I'm putting myself through this.
So I really should just quit. Owen and I (and the rest of this family) would be a whole lot happier if I did. But this is my last baby, and I'm just not ready for it to be done. I love nursing. I love it. Even when it is a struggle like this, I still love it. I love holding this tiny baby in my arms and providing him with milk that comes from me. I love having him dependent on me. I love being tied to this baby because of nursing. Anyone can give him a bottle, but only I can nurse him. I just am not ready for this to be the last time I nurse a baby. But, I'm afraid that it's not up to me. I know that any day now, Owen is just going to decide that he's done. That's going to be a very sad day for me.
3 comments:
I am sorry nursing has been so hard for both of you. I think it is a nod to you that you are still trying. I would have given up. My sis Erin has had similar problems with her new baby. I wonder what we would do if we didn't live in the era of FDA regulated fomula? Use goats milk I guess, that is what someone in Good Earth tried to convince Erin to do. I say keep it up if you love it!
Oh Karen, I feel your pain! I feel the same way about nursing but still seriously almost quit this last time around. We had thrush so bad and I just couldn't get rid of it. Finally bought Yeast Cleanse by Solaray at a health food store and also did GSE and garlic. Fun stuff! I told my husband that if I hadn't nursed 3 kids before I would have for sure given up- it hurt so bad! But if it's any encouragement I hung on and I'm so glad I did. I also have milk supply issues- I use Mother's milk tea and have also had to get capsules formulated to increase milk supply. It's completely understandable if you have to stop, but it's also worth fighting for if you can stand it. Also, about not eating dairy (sorry this comment is a mile long!) if you can view it as a health boost for you it might make it easier. There are MANY health benefits to cutting out dairy and hopefully you will get used to it soon. My sisters and I have a food blog that has all dairy free recipes so if you are looking for something new, you can check it out. www.greenereating.com. Let me know if you have questions or want help with something- nutrition is my passion so I love talking to people that need ideas. I wish you lived by me so I could just make you food! Good luck and remember what ever you decide to do will be a good choice.
p.s. He's a darling baby!
Oh I forgot (as if my first comment wasn't long enough!) I also had to get a prescription for All Purpose Nipple Ointment and that helped a ton! You may already be done nursing (I think you posted this almost a week ago) but if you've hung on, maybe you could try that? It's a compound and I had to get it mixed at an Apothecary shop, but it was so worth it to be able to keep nursing my sweet little baby. So all of the things above and the APNO is what finally killed the yeast. Blah!
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